T'is the Season

Happy Holiday Y'all!

Well, happy-ish.  We made it through the "first" holiday after Tracy decided to go see what's on the other side.  (Yes, he did come back for a quick visit to say I was right, which I knew, because why would I argue for something I knew was wrong, right?  But that's another post).

This post is prompted by the support groups that contact me to make sure I am doing okay which is nice but so far I have not found personally helpful yet due to their focus I think.  Maybe I am in the same denial that the medical world kept trying to "encourage" out of me since the day of our diagnosis of ALS.

I want to thank all the wonderful people who HAVE been so extremely loving, sharing and helpful to Tracy and I all through our journey.  Even those and sometimes especially those who did not necessarily agree with Tracy or I in our view points but were willing to listen, argue and /or stir the pot with us.  It ALL helped and showed us how committed you were and are to allowing us to live the best life we can no matter what the circumstances.

Thanksgiving

We had our ups and downs and sidewayses.  There were tears and hugs but also laughter and stories and typical merriment that Tracy would have loved and some he would have avoided like the plague. 

We made a plan together to be prepared to be 

HAPPY on Thanksgiving Day.  

We discussed that we all miss Tracy.  That is going to be true for me for a very long time I "imagine", but that Thanksgiving is one of Tracy's very favorite holidays because cooking and eating is the major focus of that holiday that brings people together and he did sooooooo love to show off his culinary skills, so let's not waste it.

Rachel did a fantastic job channeling her father in the kitchen and did him proud all the way around with the help of Nick and Paige and friends.  Sarah, Tim and the Kiddos went to El Dorado AR to be with their other family so we could all get to be together for Christmas.

We made the choice to grieve before and after in whatever ways we need to but ON THANKSGIVING DAY, a day specifically to be remembered and passed down thru our heritage, we would focus on all the GOOD about the day.  

And you know what- it worked!!!

I have to admit- the days leading up to Thanksgiving were surprisingly emotional for me.  I think part of that for me is that I am also trying to figure out where I am going physically and financially as well as emotionally.  But Thanksgiving Day was a wonderful celebration with the kids and new friends and calls from the family around the country.  Again I am going to say- there were moments of sadness that we admitted to and waded thru but the day I feel will be remembered with a smile.  It was a GOOD DAY.

The idea that so many, including the support groups,  point out repeatedly, is that you most likely will be sad and miserable and lonely at the holidays, with the thought that somehow being prepared for it will make you "feel better" or not as bad, makes no sense to me. But then I am reminded often, I am not typical in the way I view the world.  Is it just me?  What is the goal of that mindset?  Is it to make you less miserable (which means you need to be miserable to have this thought process be successful).  Are they making sure you KNOW that you are supposed to be miserable in case you didn't get the memo?  Is it to make you feel included in that Group of Grievers?

As a hypnotist- you know you do NOT point to that which you Don't want.  Telling people what NOT to do does not create a path for what you want them TO focus on.  To say, "watch my hand.  I am going to slap you in the forehead.  Watch for it....watch for it.....THERE" SMACK!  Now, did seeing it coming stop the sting or did it still hurt??   Wouldn't it make more sense to say- there is a lot of slapping going on out there.  If you prefer to get out of the way of the majority of the slapping step to the hugging and happiness section.  It may not get you out of the way completely but a nice hug sure takes the sting out of a thoughtless slap because you are watering the event down with more than one emotion (not completely eliminating an emotion).  And if you aren't standing in the misery it's a lot easier to avoid getting hit with it as often. It's about your focus.  Hap or Piness.... Put the stress on the wrong syllable and you get a WHOLE different meaning:)

It is a common form of emotional support and therapy to discuss "look for these signs of sadness and depression and recognize it as such.  Yes, you want people to understand that it is NORMAL to feel grief but to then DO the things that increase misery instead of relieve it seems to me to be counter productive.   Now since I am not the brightest bulb in the pack I am willing to explore that which I don't understand.  I have considered this "kindness" they keep calling and offering to me is actually the best way to do things as I am new to the whole grieving widow thing.  The saying that Misery Loves Company rolls to the front of my brain.   No one wants to be alone.  It feels great to have a connection with others especially under stressful situations knowing they understand. But do you really want to sit around with other miserable people when you are sad?  Does that REALLY make you feel better?

I have a very dear friend who shockingly lost her husband in a freak spontaneous way at the same time Tracy passed so she is dealing with some of what I IMAGINE I am.  I am grieving her loss too.  I have no idea what she is really going thru because just as I have learned in health and healing- every situation has so many variables, that there is no exact recipe to go by.  Would I feel better if her husband was dancing around laughing WITH her physically on this planet right now.  OF COURSE I would!  So, no. My misery does not want any darn company in that arena.  Her being miserable in NO WAY makes me feel any better.  It's not a competition.  No one has it any better or worse.  The the world of Suckdom- all things are equal.

I have found comfort in her correspondence, kindness and love.  It's not so much what she says specifically but that she is taking the time during her own grief to think of me.  The message that we are there for each other is the comfort.  We are not alone- even tho we at times feel very alone,  not being with who we want to be with.  Yes, it's good to share and relate to each other.  But neither of us wallows in the sadness trying to invite the other in that quicksand.  We remind each other-it's one step at a time with the focus being-some how we are going to make it thru this and when we doubt it the other is there to lift us both up, not commiserate on how awful things are.  Together and separately we will find a way to be happy again,  just in a new way. 

I don't need any reminder at any time that I am or was or might be sad and miserable as if I might forget or miss it if they don't call and mention it to me.  The idea that people are going to prepare you for what you are about to go through so you are not shocked may have some value but there are two sides to that coin.  

1).  There is NO WAY to be prepared to lose a loved one really.  It hurts no matter what.  

2). To tell someone over and over again by many sources and some authority figures that you ARE going to be miserable and sad, especially when you are emotional-MAKES THEM MISERABLE AND SAD.  

That is how hypnosis works.  I have been studying it with great fascination for 25 years.  I can tell you from personal experience I have NEVER felt better or relieved in any way when someone told Tracy and I to be prepared for something awful that you can not stop.  Do you have to be practical and prepared for things? Maybe.  But if that is the ONLY thing being talked about and focused on you are pointing them to the path of depression. 

Have you ever been feeling pretty good and someone comes along and asks what's wrong or if you are sick or not feeling well?  What do you do?  You begin to search for WHY they would say that.  Then you begin to FEEL for it in your body.  Does something hurt?  You look in the mirror to see What about you LOOKS bad or sick.  All the focus is on relating to that which was pointed out. You now totally ignore the fact your skin looks good and your eyes are bright and your clothes fit well.

Now, it's important to understand that I am not saying Ignore your feelings.  ALL feelings are important.  That is why you have them.  I am pointing out that for some reason, that seems illogical to me, the majority of the world believes, it is some how comforting and healing to point out how miserable you probably are and that by reminding you of that and relating to that they know how you feel so you are not alone in your grief.  If I hit my finger with a hammer and you pick up a hammer and smash yours- MY FINGER STILL HURTS THE SAME.  I just have to worry about YOUR finger too now.  

Wouldn't it be a better plan to just ask questions- what do you need?  How can I help?

Tell the truth to them in positive ways- Are you getting more sleep?  You sure look well rested or Wow, you surprise me with how much you have accomplished lately.

My mindset is- If what you are doing does not make you happier or healthier in some way- why are you doing it?  Grieving in a healthy way is a way to get back to being healthier and happier.

I am not a therapist.  I am not an expert on anything.  I am a person wading through life just like everyone else.  For some reason, in many ways,  I don't experience life like others.  I don't understand things like others.  So I am sharing my experiences in hopes that others may learn from me and perhaps others may take the time to share with me what they believe  I am misunderstanding.

For those grieving or not- Expect to enjoy the holidays.  Create ways to enjoy the holidays.  Look forward to enjoying the holidays starting right this minute because NOW is the only REAL time you have.  Why waste it? 

T'is the Season to be Jolly- Fa-la-la-la- la....