Whirlwind

It's the day after Halloween.

The Wizard of Oz is a perfect visual depiction of our life- post Tracy.  

A whirlwind of activities and emotions buffet me unexpectedly and expectedly.

So many many many things to think, do, organize, plan while the mantra "there is nothing you HAVE to do" plays like a broken record off loved ones lips and in my mind.

The emotional roller coaster has been slowed by an avalanche of activity.

Some are happy distractions in the form of pampering by family and friends that I have to admit I am greedily enjoying.  Other activities include facing the hard realities and responsibilities in the aftermath of this mandatory life change.  Some are busy work to just keep moving to make sure I still can.

To wash the acid like burning sense of ALS out of my mind I raced to have Respiratory pick up the cough assist machine, Trilogy Tri Pap breathing machine, Humidifier and suction machine- most of which we barely used if at all. To me they felt more like they were sucking the life out of him even tho I know they are designed to do the opposite.  I am so glad to be rid of them.

Today I packed up his clothes and personal items except for those we will craft into clever gifts and memorabilia, reminding myself over and over that those items are not HIM.

But he is here in spirit.

We know this because he went with us to Trick or Treat with the grandkids last night.

We took his wheelchair, lights on

and talked to him and showed him the bounty

the boys collected.

Neighbors awkwardly hugged me

wondering if I had indeed gone over the edge due to the emotional trauma.

I almost felt bad for our distasteful inappropriate display.  Almost....but not quite,

because I know Tracy would have loved making people squirm.

It was so wrong it was right.